Blog 49:  I’m struggling to say ‘No’.  Part 2:  I’ve started to apply myself to centering, what else can I do? 

©Possibility Change

This blog series is for those who have found themselves struggling to say ‘no’.  They describe themselves as constantly feeling mentally exhausted and doing things they don’t want to.  They worry and find it hard to hold their ground and are buffeted by others who appear much stronger than themselves. 

In Part 1 of this series we focused on getting our head in the right space by underscoring that you are valued and matter.  We looked at ways you can act your way into a new way of thinking.  i hope, as you have attempted to practically apply yourself over this past week, that you have found yourself in a better mindset and gained some hope.   

The big work is we are trying to change is your belief system.  To do that you need to identify the incorrect thinking – that you don’t matter or are less than others.  Then we need to replace this thinking with right thinking . . .  

I matter. I am valuable.  I am okay and so are other people.

And then act on that.  Act as if you are valuable, because you are.  Implement that rich life to feed the belief that you are valuable. 

Last blog we talked about being centered.  If you want to dig deeper on centering yourself, Psychology Today and Possibility Change have good articles you can read and apply.

©Mylemarks

So we’ve built this series on valuing yourself . . . what else can I do? Against that backdrop of valuing self and being centered in that space, let’s look at saying ‘no’ (politely).  Now this is going to be a skill you have to develop, so don’t expect everything to change quickly.  Assertiveness with kindness is a muscle you can develop, and like any muscle, with work, you can make it strong . . . with work.

©CNN

If you have a muscle that needs building you may engage a specialist for therapy and gain a series of exercises and complete those regularly.  Let’s treat saying ‘no’ similarly.  In this coming week, let’s just try to say ‘no’ just once. 

How can you say ‘no’ politely and nicely? Here’s some basics to remember . . .

  • -Start off with a compliment like “I appreciate the offer” or “Thank you for considering me”
  • -You don’t need to provide a long explanation.  Just be brief, for example “. . . I won’t be available on Friday night” or “. . . unfortunately I am already committed”. 
  • -Say ‘no’ kindly.  You don’t need to be hard or harsh.  Value the person and the offer.  A terse ‘no’ may only further complicate issues and leave you further explaining yourself. 
  • -If you are pressed back just say something like, “ . . . give me a couple of days to think more about this.  I’ll come back to you on Tuesday” (and make sure you do get back to them on Tuesday).  In this instance you could be able to send a message from a distance (eg a text or e mail).  Use the same process, for example “I appreciate the offer but won’t be able to make the event due to prior commitments”.  Now they don’t need to know the prior commitments.  You don’t need to explain yourself.  Value yourself. ‘No’ should be enough. 

It’s not going to work out well every time.  You will have your falls and failures, but as you keep exercising this muscle it will become stronger and saying ‘no’ will become more normal.  You will become more assertive.  I have seen people change as they have applied themselves to the process of building assertiveness. 

Know there will be confrontations and awkward moments.  They will be signs you are growing. 

Now there is some more work that needs to be framed around this.  In the next blog we’ll look at saying ‘yes’ on your terms and understanding what you value.  What will you accept . . . and what won’t you?

For a deeper dive into saying ‘no’, Indeed has a good article here.

Because YOU matter.

Your life caddy