Back to the series on how to build your confidence, picking up from Blog 12, providing you 10 practical things you can do today to build your confidence back. This week, the last five.
1. Stack Wins
i’m sure you’ve had wins in your past. Try to capture those. When have you performed well and had successes? Look back at your past achievements and record them somewhere safe (you’ll want to refer to them every now and again when your confidence is lacking).
A healthy item i have in my monthly planning rhythm is to consider what wins i have had in the past month and record them. At times when i lack confidence, or when i have had a poor month, being reminded of wins i have had boosts my confidence and self-esteem.
How about you? Where can you place reminders of small successes you are having now, no matter how small. You went to the pool – that’s a win, you’re starting your swimming journey. Now we’re going to stack those wins. Look for these small positive steps you are completing and build your list. Consider wins in different parts of your life – professional and personal. If your confidence is down, you tend to naturally identify poor performance and where you are falling short. Instead, let’s find the good stuff and keep it at the forefront. As we remind ourselves of the small wins and our confidence grows, the big wins will come.
2. Set small, realistic goals
As a matter of fact, if your confidence is way down, set those goals so small that you can’t miss. That’ll help as you are stacking wins and building confidence. Don’t worry if achieving your goal was too easy, you’ll progress from the easy to the difficult. At the moment what’s more important is building your confidence – so just score goals, get it down on your stacking wins list and build that confidence. Make sure the goals are realistic, be honest with yourself and remember – a win may just be turning up.
3. Start saying ‘no’
Build your assertiveness. Saying no reflects your use of boundaries. It can build your self-esteem – especially if you have found yourself unable to say ‘no’ and consequently doing things you don’t want to do. You will gain some confidence as you exercise assertiveness. It is OK to express yourself. Hold on to Living Wisdom Rule 10:
I matter. I am valuable. I am okay and so are other people.
So if you matter, so do your desires. Practice saying no and maybe start with small things. You will gain more confidence as you do. There are heaps of polite ways of saying ‘no’. Try these . . .
- Reflect on your feelings – “I’m tired, it’s been a big week and I just need a break” or “I just need some me time, but thanks for the offer”
- Sandwich (a positive, a negative, a positive)– “Thanks for inviting me out. I’ll have to say no, but I really appreciate you thinking of me”.
- Time delay – “Can I have some time to think about that and come back to you?”
- Offer an alternative – “I won’t be able to do it this week. Maybe next week?”
- Here’s some more help . . .
©ESLBUZZ
4. Build good people around you – positive relationships
Who around you views the world optimistically and speaks positively? Who do you see that demonstrates a growth mindset? Build positive people around you. It’ll rub off on you. Even more, try to surround yourself with people who see the good in you and will be builders of you . . . and you of them.
Harris and Orth’s (2019) research found that
Positive social relationships, social support and social acceptance help shape the development of self-esteem in people over time across ages 4 to 76.
The Link Between Self-Esteem and Social Relationships: A Meta-Analysis of Longitudinal Studies’ (2019)
So who are those positive people around you? Lean into them. You don’t have to get rid of your other friends, just take some time to get some good positive people in your life.
5. Challenge yourself with a new hobby or skill
Do something on the side in your free time that you enjoy but gets away from the pressure of work where there is so much at stake (an activity with no performance pressure, just fun). If you pick up a new hobby or skill, then you can expect to make mistakes while you slowly master it. Be forgiving, enjoy the learning process. Celebrate the small wins and your growth.
There’s one more aspect i want to give you next week to build that confidence. How do you come to terms with competence – when you feel you’re not competent in your role. We can work on that. Let’s call that Part 3 next week.
Again, if your confidence is down, don’t forget the value of professional therapists, counsellors and psychologists. If you are struggling with your mental health, get yourself to the people who have specifically trained to help you. You may find there are other reasons for your lack of confidence that only they can unlock.
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