Blog 50:  I’m struggling to say ‘No’.  Part 3:  Knowing your values and setting your limits

Know your limits
©Pinterest

This blog is the third in a series of four on building your assertiveness.  i hope you have been showing yourself you matter – by acting your way into a new way of thinking – showing that you value yourself by implementing some practices, practicing saying ‘No” kindly and doing some of those deeper dives into the material that was provided by links. In this blog we hope to provide you with some tools that consolidate the growth you have made by applying the lessons in this blog series . . . and acting your way into a new way of thinking . . . one that values you and builds assertiveness.

Knowing and setting your limits

setting healthy boundaries
©Renee Lederman

What really matters to you?  Your values define your boundaries and priorities.  Hold tightly to these values.  But what are they?  You’re going to need some reflection time to capture your values which will highlight your boundaries and priorities. You’ll find your values are shaped by your family and your culture.  If you can identify values that matter to you, you’ll understand yourself a lot better, set better boundaries and decrease your anxiety.

Here’s the first of two ways you can identify your values.  Find your way here to a site by Brene Brown which details a list of values.  Brown provides a task which asks you to circle 15 values which resonate with you, and then pick the two that mean the most from those 15. 

list of values from brene brown
©Brene Brown

A second way to identify your values is to capture where you struggle. What are some examples of those things you agree to that you don’t want to do?  What happens with those people that rub you up the wrong way?  What presses your buttons? Where are your red flags in daily life? 

Let’s try to keep a log of those instances and look for the commonalities (just for a few weeks or a month).  Sure, this will take a bit of work, but it will help you pinpoint the problems.  We are looking for recurring episodes – is it always one person, the same type of people (eg white middle aged men), the same issue or the same place (work but home is OK)?  Look for patterns.  This is a significant body of work . . . because you matter.

Here’s a table to try and fill in each time you struggle saying ‘No’ or when someone is pressing your buttons.  Try to make the responses brief.  Use a new row for each incident or issue.  An example is provided in red in the first row to provide you an example of how to fill in your table. 

What is the issue?Where did it occur (work or home)?  Who was involved?What was their choice?What was my choice?
EXAMPLE LINE
I am working to prepare for a conference and given a job that’s not even mine (not my job)
At work Supervisor and colleagueThey seem to want the results without doing the work.  They just flicked the job sideways to me.Suck it up – just get in and do it, but I am seething and frustrated all the time while I am working on this job.  And my stuff isn’t getting done!
Your examples here – one row for each incident or issue.   

Now is where the real work commences.  Look for patterns – what do you see.  Common people?  Common issues?  Common responses?  What have you learnt about yourself?

Dig deep.  Based on this rich feedback, what are your beliefs?  What is at your core that says this is OK?

This will seem painstaking but putting it down on paper will make a big difference – you will see things objectively and it will help your critical friend to see it too.  So, make sure you share this learning journey with a critical friend.  If you do the work, you have discovered gold – so now let’s make it work for you.

finding gold
©Read write think

You have choice and power.  What will you accept . . . and what won’t you accept?  It’s easier to think this through in the cool light of day because in the whirlwind of life are all the emotions and not much objectivity  – so maintain a values book (or file).  Work on clarity.  You’ll find the values that rub you up the wrong way as you live.  Where do you think you should be saying ‘No’?  Where aren’t you happy with your ‘Yes’?  Use your values book to refine your thinking.

i hope this series is helping you to say ‘No’ and that it has helped you discover your boundaries and gain confidence.  This won’t happen quickly and as you can see it will require some work and practice.  If you hear nothing else in this series, please hear that you matter and you can grow.  You have the power to make your own boundaries . . . and say ‘No’ (nicely).

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