Blog 51:  I’m struggling to say ‘No’.  Part 4:  A last word . . . some practical things that will help.

you can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no
©Facebook Barb Schmidt

What have we covered in this series on building your capacity to say ‘No’?

 Blog
Value yourself:  look after your sleep, exercise, diet, identify your talents and achievements, know your rich lifeBlog 48
Affirm yourselfBlog 48
Changing your belief system – throwing the wrong thinking out (the stinking thinking) and putting the right thinking inBlog 49
Assertiveness with kindness is a muscle you need to develop . . . and you CAN develop it with practiceBlog 49
Defining your boundaries and prioritiesBlog 50
Capture those times you struggle to say ‘No’.  Use this to springboard your growth.Blog 50

And the big messages i hope you are hearing:

Act your way into a new way of thinking

I matter. I am valuable.  I am okay and so are other people.

In this blog we’ll provide a few more simple practical steps you can take to make saying ‘No’ with kindness just that little bit easier . . . and lighten your load. 

1. Telegraph your boundaries

Make a schedule for your week (as much as you can).  Not all the small details, just the big chunks of activity you have in your week.  Post it in your workstation or office – it’ll telegraph to others your regular commitments.  It will speak for you.   When you are asked a question about a time commitment, you can direct your colleague to your schedule and they can see you are already committed . . . your schedule has already said ‘No’ for you. Here’s an example of a schedule to have posted on your office or workstation wall.

weekly schedule
©Time Doctor

2. Use time outs

Try to take the heat out of the moment.  When approached by someone wanting your time, simply listen to their request and advise you will respond to them later.  This will give you time to assess the invitation against your boundaries and commitments.  If you say you’ll come back to them by the end of the day, make sure you do.  Saying ‘No’ from a distance can be a little bit easier, especially while your assertiveness is growing in confidence. . . and make sure you say ‘No’ kindly. 

3. Become a student of boundaries

You’ve identified saying ‘No’ is an area of work for you.  You’ve applied yourself to this blog series, but there is more work to do to strengthen yourself.  Apply yourself to learning more about healthy boundaries.  Get yourself a copy of Cloud and Townsend’s book ‘Boundaries’. 

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

# Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

You don’t have to let your life spiral out of control. Discover how boundaries make life better today!

Cloud and Townsend

Invest in yourself – be a student of boundaries. 

4. Breathe

When you have come from a space where you find it hard to say ‘No”; when you are applying yourself to new habits of saying ‘No’, it will burn emotional energy.  When your confidence and self-esteem is down, the practices discussed in this series of blogs are challenging to practice.   So, it is important to slow life down.  Try to live in a more relaxed and unrushed manner.  Taking your time to focus on your breathing is great start.  If you haven’t tried this before, try this tool.  Slowing down and implementing breathing exercises to decrease stress is a great complimenting activity to the other practices included in this blog series. 

5. Lean on your support crew

Have other people support you and more – walk with you on these challenging journeys.  You need someone in your corner who can debrief the difficult encounters with you, provide you with some context of the situation you are in and perhaps even help you to role-play possible solutions. Basically, find the caddies who can help you on your journey through the golf course, providing advice on the traps ahead and wind directions, someone to check your club selection and get you in the right mindset . . . while you make (and take responsibility for) your shots.  They will not only share your disappointments, but also the joys of your success. 

golfer and caddy
©Alamy

So the bottom line for this series . . . I matter. I am valuable.  I am okay and so are other people.

Now go and act on that . . . for your sake.

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